Confessions

The last video in the Beth Moore Esther study we are doing at church addresses facing our fears. The video started me thinking about what my greatest fear really is, and what I came up with kind of surprised me. My greatest fear, at least right now, is not that one of my children will get a serious illness, or that my husband will leave me, or that I will die a slow and painful death. I have feared all of these things before, but right now, what I fear most is this: I'm afraid that the best of my life is behind me. Marcus has been joking for the past few months that I'm going through my midlife crisis at 30 instead of 40. (And as much as I like to get things done early, I can't deny the possible validity of this scenario :) I have spent a lot of time lately questioning many things about my past and my future, as well as struggling with some doubts about my faith. And laced through all these musings has been this fear:

What if I am never again as at peace as I was ______? What if I never again feel as beautiful and loved as I did ______? What if I never face the day with as much energy, excitement and confidence as I did ______? What if I am never again as happy as I was ________?

Now, I realize cognitively that there are no answers to these questions, and that dwelling on them does absolutely no good, but I really am not dwelling on them...they just keep popping up their heads. Their persisence perturbs me at best and often outright enrages me. Most of my life, I have held the term "happiness" somewhat in contempt, preferring the more individually-controlled term "contentment". I've always seen happiness as a wet fish: impossible to hold on to and by its very nature, certain to slip away into oblivion. Because of this, I've lived most of my life not really thinking about whether I was happy or not. Thoughts about my own happiness always seemed a little too selfish, and therefore distasteful to me. I've also always believed that happiness has more to do with attitude than with circumstances, but lately I've been questioning the absoluteness of that belief as well. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of circumstances that even the most positive person would find permanently detrimental to his or her happiness.

I just can't shake this feeling that I'm on the verge of missing something. Missing a door I was supposed to walk through. Missing an opportunity I was supposed to grab hold of. Missing a chance to fulfill a dream that I didn't even realize was there.

If Dr. M is right, and this is my midlife crisis, then it will all pass soon enough and I will go back to putting the idea of happiness on the back shelf where I've always thought it belonged. I will go back to being content living in service to the people around me, and this unwelcome selfishness that has reared its head in my heart will go back to whereever it came from. Until then, sorry for the altered tone of my deep thoughts posts :)

Implicit vs. Explicit

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my boys will be taking with them when they grow up and leave our home. The more I turn it over in my mind, the more convinced I am that they will learn almost everything they learn from me implicitly rather than explicitly. They will take more from what they observe, from what they know about my choices, from the ways they see me spend my time, from the way I speak to others, than they will learn from what I tell them or explain to them. I think back to what I learned from my parents, and I think I absorbed much more from the way my parents lived their lives than from what they overtly taught me. Growing up, I received an exceptional amount of Godly teaching, through Christian school, a strong, active youth group, and a home where Bible-reading and discussions about faith were frequent. I have no doubt that all of that was a blessing, but when it comes right down to it, it is the individual choices or my parents (and other influential adults), and the outcomes of those choices, that have had the greatest impact on who I want to be and how I want to live my life. In some ways, the realization that my implicit teaching carries so much more weight is very freeing. So, I'm not sure that a lot of the things I worry about in regards to parenting make a lot of difference. Maybe there aren't too many right or wrong choices I can make for my kids. I guess the best thing I can do for them is to honestly model what I believe matters most in life, and leave the rest up to God.

Pain

Earlier today, I was talking with a friend on the phone about pain. She reminded me of how poorly we remember what it feels like to be in pain. We remember that something hurt, and even that it hurt a lot, and we are motivated to avoid whatever caused us the pain in the past, but we can't really recapture in our minds that feeling of being in pain once it is gone. Don't get me wrong, I definitely see this as a huge blessing. I'm glad that my memory is more poignant and detailed for the hours of great joy and pleasure than it is for the hours of intense pain. The problem is, it is also very hard to remember what it feels like to be free of pain while you are in the midst of it.

Just As I Am

This is going to be one of those deep-thoughts posts that might annoy you if you are not in the mood, so be forewarned :)

In truth, I doubt I will get through typing this without shedding tears. First and foremost, I want to say that GOD HAS BEEN SO GOOD TO ME. Despite being raised in a loving, Christian home, attending excellent Christian schools all the way through college, and even being a missionary in China, I did not understand much about God's love until this year. Without even realizing I was doing it, I have spent most of my life striving to earn what was already mine: the love and acceptance of the Almighty. I have been overwhelmed of late with His grace. God has used some very dear friends to show me that He treasures me just as I am. He has filled me with grace for myself and for others. I am not sure that I have ever in my life felt as loved as I do right now. I praise Him for this gift, and I hope that every person reading this is blessed with the same assurance of His love.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:35-36

"Through Ignorance"

I set up a RSS feed from Bible Gateway's website to give me a daily Bible reading through my blog. It just so happens that the schedule was deeply immersed in Ezekiel when I jumped on board, so that is what I've been reading for the past couple of weeks. I've always found most of Ezekiel to be a rather tedious read (sorry all you OT scholars out there), and this time through isn't proving any different. However, just as it always happens, a verse or two that I never noticed before has stood out to me in a new way.

An example is Ezekiel 25:40: "You are to do the same on the seventh day of the month for anyone who sins unintentionally or through ignorance; so you are to make atonement for the temple." Now, I realize that the context and wording of this verse refer to atonement for the temple, not for individuals, but something about the words "sins unintentionally or through ignorance" struck a chord with me. One of the aspects of my faith that has always caused me some confusion is the fate of those who live their whole lives without ever hearing about or connecting with Christ. I do believe the words of Jesus that "no one comes to the Father except through me," and therefore Jesus is the cornerstone of relationship with God, but I've always wondered what provision God makes for those who never meet the Savior. This verse gives me hope that, whatever it is, the Lord has a path of salvation for every sinner, even those who never had the opportunity in their lifetime to call on the name of Christ.

My Own Mouth

All parents know how much God uses children to teach us, but lately it has been more obvious to me than usual. When I repeat a truth to Caleb or Ethan, I immediately hear the Lord's voice echoing the same truth from Him to me. Here are just a few examples:

"Don't take the food from your brother's plate. Ask me and I will give you more."
"I understand that you are angry, but you still have to speak to me respectfully."
"What you want is not the most important thing."
"It is always better to do what makes other people happy than to do what makes you happy."
"I tell you not to do certain things because I don't want you to get hurt."
"I love you too much to let you get away with allowing your emotions to control you."
"If you choose to disobey me, the consequence is going to hurt."
"Be thankful for the toys that you have. Some other boys do not have toys to play with."

I've been convicted by many people's wisdom, both written and spoken, but it makes me laugh when God uses my own mouth to remind me of His truths :)

"IT'S TOO HARD!!!!!!!!"

For several months, this was Caleb's distraught refrain whenever I would ask him to start picking up the toys in the play room. For a while, it just annoyed me because I thought he was purely throwing a fit. But then I began to realize that I do the same thing on an "adult" level because of the way I look at the world. When Caleb looks at the messy play room, he sees all of the scattered toys and feels overwhelmed with the impossibility of picking them all up at once. When I am in the midst of a struggle or trial, my default is to face it in terms of the rest of my life, rather than facing it one day at a time. When I face a change I need to make, I sometimes think with incredulous hopelessness, "God expects me to overcome this weakness for the rest of my life?"

So, in the midst of trying repeatedly to explain to Caleb that he just has to pick up one toy, put it away, and then pick up another one, I have been convicted of my own resistence to doing just that. In the areas of my life where submitting to the Lord's will for the rest of my life seems insurmountable, I just have to remind myself to live obediently TODAY. I cannot follow my Lord next year, next month, or even tomorrow. I can only follow Him today. So now, I am much more patient with Caleb's "I CAN'T! IT'S TOO HARD!!!" than I used to be, and I am quicker to remember that the Lord wants my heart and my obedience in this moment. Nothing beyond is even possible.

Stepping Heavenward

I love to read. That might be the understatement of the century. Before I had kids, I would read for hours on end whenever I had the chance. It was not unusual for me to read 3-4 books in a week. I still read 2-3 every month, but it is much harder to carve out the time. In the course of a lifetime of imbibing many, many books, I have found hundreds that I love. But there have only been a handful that have had a significant impact on my life. In fact, the two works of fiction that have had the greatest influence on who I am are The Shack, by William Young, and Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss. Most people have read or at least heard of The Shack, so I'm not going to elaborate on that one, but Stepping Heavenward is much more obscure. A friend recommended it to me, and I actually had a hard time finding a copy, even on Amazon (though it is there now). The book is written in the form of a diary. It is set in the early 1800's, and the narrator begins her story as a 16-year-old girl who is struggling to be the person that God (and her mother) want her to be. The book continues through her life, and the reader is allowed to see the gradual spiritual maturing of this girl-turning-woman.

Now, I admit that this book will likely not speak to as many people as The Shack did, but it spoke to me with unprecedented power. For me, this book infused a divine purpose into every trial and difficulty that I have faced, whether physical pain, relational frustration or more severe trials. It also brought divine purpose to every menial task and small sacrifice. I watched Katy's attitude toward serving and sacrifice change, and my own changed with it. Katy's mother teaches her that service and sacrifice is in itself an end, not just a means to the end of "sharing Christ." The service and sacrifice IS sharing Christ.

Katy's journey also, in combination with several studies from the book of Job and some long conversations with my Dad, gently brought me to the place of realizing that my children belong wholy and completely to the Lord. This book helped me move to a previously incomprehensible place in my heart...a place where I now truly believe in regard to the ones I love, "The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord." I have never lost someone close to me, and I am not saying that I would handle it without becoming angry with the Lord. But in the past, there was a portion of my heart that I kept entirely locked away from the Lord. It was as if I had unconsciously put my dearest ones in a lockbox and put a sign on it saying, "If you touch this, I will no longer love you and trust you." But the Lord worked in my heart through this book and other avenues to stamp this truth on my heart: "Trust me with what is dearest to you, my child, and I will sustain you through whatever may come."

I really could write for hours about the spiritual truths the Lord used this book to teach me, but I think I'm going to stop here. I don't know if I would have taken as much from Katy's story at an earlier stage in my life. I think I would have needed more life experience, particularly that of motherhood. If you are a woman, I think that you will be, at the very least, touched by Katy's story. And, who knows, maybe God will use her story to change yours, as well.

Wednesday Night Church

I love Wednesday nights at our church. When we became parents 3 1/2 years ago, we stopped coming on Wednesday nights because of bedtimes. After we moved here to Alabama, even though Caleb could stay up a little later at age two, it didn't really occur to us to come because we hadn't been in the habit for so long. But one day, almost exactly 6 months ago, a good friend was scheduled to speak to the Wednesday night ladies class, and she invited me to come hear her. I talked to Marcus and he agreed to stay home with 10-month-old Ethan (who at that time had a scheduled meltdown right around 7 pm every night, and we dared not be far from his crib when it occurred) and I would take Caleb with me to church. Caleb and I had such a great time that night that I think we've only missed one Wednesday night since then. It was good for Marcus because it gave him some quiet time in the house to study while Ethan slept, and it was great for me because that ladies' class turned out to be really special. I have not even touched the surface of the blessings that are coming out of that time of sharing and the relationships that were formed.

Then, when Ethan was about 14-months-old, we started being able to stretch his bedtime on occasion, (as long as we gave him some time to catch up with naps and an early bedtime the next day). So we all four started going to Wednesday night church. During the summer, there haven't been any classes; we all just met in the auditorium to sing and then one member shared a personal testimony of God's work in his or her life. I have been impacted by people's stories, and even more so by the worship time. There's something about the singing on Wednesday night that is different. I think it is because almost everyone who is there is there because they NEED it. There are very few (if any) "dutiful attendees" at our church on Wednesday night. Everyone who makes it there has made sacrifices to be there, whether leaving work early, fighting traffic, pushing kids' bedtimes, battling exhaustion, or missing dinner (or all of the above). But the sacrifices seem naught because we are there to pour it all out to the Lord in worship. There is a rawness in this midweek meeting that is not present at other times. We're all tired and many are frustrated, but we fight the odds to come because we know that this hour together will leave us renewed and refreshed for the rest of the week. And the amazing thing is that it always does!

An Inspiring Memorial

Yesterday afternoon, a neighbor watched the boys so I could go to a memorial service for one of our church shepherds. He died very unexpectedly last Thursday night at only 49-years-old. He left a wife and two grown daughters, ages 22 and 20 (I think)...his older daughter got married just a couple of months ago. At the service, four men who knew him well spoke about the impact he had on them and others around him. They spoke the truth about him, both the positive and negative, and the truth was admirable. I think it is not too much to say that every soul in that packed auditorium was inspired by the telling of Dan Baxter's life. His priorities were right, his heart was full of Christ, and he had plenty of room in his life for others. And, despite the obvious grief and shock of the close friends and family, I was impacted by the joyful undertone of the ceremony. The songs were songs of victory, the stories were both funny and poignant, and the speakers were transparent. It truly was, as it purported to be, a celebration of Dan's life.

In some ways, a memorial like this is a more spiritual experience even than a church assembly can be. It's kind of where the rubber of our faith meets the road: do we believe that death is a victory? Do we believe that all that matters in life is being devoted to Christ and showing love to others? And most of all, do we believe that the transforming power of Christ can make each one of us into the kind of person that leaves a legacy like Dan Baxter's?

Just Spit It Out

I'm usually a very expressive and sometimes even outspoken person, but there are times when I'm just as tongue-tied as can be. It seems like this tongue-tied state overtakes me when I have something that I really want to say, but am not confident that I will be understood. For example, there have been a number of times in my life that a person has had a significant impact on me, and I wanted that person to know how God has used them in my life, but I get all tongue-tied when I have the chance to talk about it. A couple of times, I have written a letter, but a letter seems so serious and formal, and I'm always afraid that my words will not be adequate. (I should just realize that of course they won't be adequate and get over it.) I guess the point of this blog entry is to encourage my readers (and myself) to just "spit it out" and tell the people around you how they have inspired you, even if you don't do it perfectly. (You probably shouldn't follow this advice if the person inspired you by showing you what you didn't want to be like.) Seriously, we all need to hear that the efforts we make to serve the Lord and serve each other are helpful to the people around us.

So now I'm going to follow my own advice and write about my friend, Lauren, who is one of the people who has had a significant impact on me. Lauren and I became friends when Marcus and I moved to Florida in the summer of 2003. That fall, she and I both started trying to get pregnant for the first time. It happened immediately for her and Danny, but it took us another two years, so Lauren became a mother two years before I did. My observation of her interactions with Carson as a baby and toddler laid the groundwork for the kind of mother I would become. She was extremely attentive to Carson, from infancy on. Even when spending time with friends, she made it clear by her actions that Carson's needs, physical and emotional, were a priority. I respected that because I had seen other parents consistently ignore their children in social situations. It doesn't take long for kids to pick up on that and take advantage of the "permissive window." Even when Carson was just a toddler, Lauren spoke to him as if he were a much older child, and as a result, he understood (and obeyed) more than most children his age. She took all of his little communications very seriously, from baby sign language to his first little sentences. She held a high standard for his behavior, and began teaching him about being kind to others even before he could talk. She often put aside what she was doing when a teachable moment presented itself. Until her second child was born, I never saw Lauren deny Carson a request to play with him or read to him. By her constant availability, she communicated to him that he was an extremely important and valuable part of her life...never an inconvenience. When Carson's sister, Kennedy, was born, Lauren struggled (like every young mother) with balancing the needs of two young children, but even this she weathered with grace. Now her children are ages five and three, and the she's expecting her third this fall. I have no doubt that she will continue teaching her children that they are loved, respected and cherished by her example; I also have no doubt that she will continue teaching the young mothers around her what it means to lay aside their own lives and desires to nurture love and self-control in the hearts of their children.

Thank you is insufficient for the way God used you in my life, my friend. And I know that you, like others in my life, had no idea what an impact you have made, because I was always too tongue-tied to start telling you :)

The Miracle of a Lifetime

During Wednesday night church this summer, different church members have taken turns testifying along the theme of "I Once Was Lost, But Now I'm Found." A few weeks ago, something was said during one of these talks that stuck with me. I can't remember the exact words, but it was something like, "Salvation is the miracle of a moment, but sanctification is the miracle of a lifetime." I loved that. Every loss, every struggle, every joy, every experience--God uses everything to refine us, to set us apart, to guide us closer to his holiness. Even when we thrust our hands into the potter's wheel and reshape his work, he stands by. He is always ready to take over when we realize the futility of our efforts. And sometimes God gives us the gift of some perspective. He enables us to see the positive changes he has made in our hearts. We can see that our characters have been molded and that we are more useful to him now than we were a few years ago. Those moments of perspective give me so much hope for the future because I know that His work is continuing in me.

What Is Peace?

Now that I am blogging so much more, I find myself frequently composing blog entries in my head while driving, or sitting outside with the kids, or during other down times. I thought this one up while driving home from the zoo this past Tuesday morning.

Peace is something that people with my temperament enjoy less of than others. My mind will work overtime to produce a never-ending list of things that need to be worked on, talked about, worried over, or planned. I have more energy sleep-deprived than most well-rested people do. Though I may never find out, I'm pretty sure I would have been successful in the business world because I truly love to work...to produce, to accomplish, to complete, etc. All that to say, a peaceful mind and spirit is something that has frequently eluded me. Nevertheless, I have persistently prayed for more peace over many years, and I'm grateful to realize that God has slowly been guiding me along the path to peace.

So now I will answer my own question with some images from my life. To me, peace is waking in the middle of the night and knowing that my husband and children are all sleeping peacefully and safely under the same roof. Peace is feeling a child moving inside my body and knowing that I will never nurture that child more perfectly than I am at that moment. Peace is coming out on the other side of sorrow, and realizing that sorrow will happen again, but that it will not defeat me. Peace is that moment of finally meaning "Not my will, Lord, but Your will." Peace is walking in the woods and feeling that God is so close that all I need do is stretch out a hand and He will fold it into his hand and walk alongside me. Peace is realizing that no matter the differences, the frustrations, the misunderstandings, the selfishness, the four of us are a family and we will not let anything erode our love and acceptance of each other. Most of all, peace is knowing with certainty that God loves me even more than I love my children, and that he will be with me through whatever may come. No matter what atrocities are committed in the world, no matter the personal pain and losses that I will suffer in my life, if I place my hand in the Lord's, He will not allow anything to destroy me. That is the source of my peace.

Thursday
Quaker oatmeal
Pretzel goldfish
White grapes
Peanut butter & jelly sandwiches
Fresh peach slices
Garlic chicken pasta salad (http://miraclequelle.blogspot.com/2009/07/garlic-pasta-salad.html)
Strawberry sundaes from McDonald's

It All Belongs to God

About six months ago, I had to amp up the instruction about sharing with Caleb and Ethan. I started responding to every "That's mine!" with, "Caleb, it is not yours. Everything we have belongs to God, and he is letting us use it for a time." I went on to explain at different times that God disciplines Mommy when she is selfish and sometimes he takes things away from her so that she can remember who they really belong to, and that it is Mommy's job to discipline her children in the same way, for the same reason. After several of these explanations, Caleb really began to internalize the fact that he can't claim exclusive ownership of anything. When an occasional "That's mine!" is blurted out, I ask Caleb if he needs me to remind him that the item in question belongs to God and not to him. He almost always says "No" and adjusts his stance, though occasionally he digs in his heels and loses the toy. The funny part is that he has taken this little lesson and spread it among all of his friends. On more than one occasion I have heard him shouting to a group of friends (we're working on gentler tones) "That's NOT yours! Everything belongs to GOD!!"

Like many of the simple lessons that I take time to carefully explain to Caleb, I have been particularly convicted by this one. I find myself much quicker to share the best of what I have, and with a greater cheerfulness, now that I am holding the truth that "it all belongs to God" close to my heart.

Turning Away

A recent conversation with a friend about the role of "regret" or "sorrow" for sins has spurred me to review some Scriptures that mention repentance. As best as I can understand, repentance begins with a realization that one has commited sins against God, and is primarily a "turning away" from the sins and a change in future choices (Acts 26:20). Sorrow can be the catalyst for this realization (I Corinthians 7:8-10). In addition, God plays a unique role in this process (Acts 5:31), so a cognitive understanding of one's own sinfulness apart from divine conviction will not lead one to repentance. I've known people who acknowledge their need for God, but remain planted in their self-centered life. I don't fully comprehend this dance between the Lord's role and a person's own will in the area of repentance (or any other area), but I believe they are both critically involved.

Here's a few of the passages I found when reviewing this (including the 3 cited above). Look them over yourself...I'd love to hear other thoughts.

I Kings 8:46-48
"When they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin—and you become angry with them and give them over to the enemy, who takes them captive to his own land, far away or near; and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their conquerors and say, 'We have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly'; and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you toward the land you gave their fathers, toward the city you have chosen and the temple I have built for your Name."

I Corinthians 7:8-10
"Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

Acts 5:31
"God exalted him to his own right hand as Prince and Savior that he might give repentance and forgiveness of sins to Israel."

Acts 26:20
"First to those in Damascus, then to those in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and to the Gentiles also, I preached that they should repent and turn to God and prove their repentance by their deeds."

Jeremiah 8:6
"I have listened attentively, but they do not say what is right. No one repents of his wickedness, saying, "What have I done?" Each pursues his own course like a horse charging into battle."

Ezekiel 14:6
"Therefore say to the house of Israel, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Repent! Turn from your idols and renounce all your detestable practices!

Mark 1:15
"The time has come," he said. "The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!"

Luke 15:10
"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

Luke 17:3-4
"So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

The Pursuit of Happiness

Many, many times during my life, I have wished that I did not feel things so intensely. But that is how God made me, and unless he chooses to intervene, I imagine I will go to my grave vascillating between the heights and depths of strong emotion. This afternoon, I am grieving for someone that I don't even know. Her story was relayed to me by a close friend. It is not a new or surprising story; in fact it has been told many times before, but that does not diminish its pain for everyone involved. It is the story of a marriage destroyed by one person's belief that happiness is attainable by discarding his original life partner for a new one. My friend described to me the devastation that is occurring in this family, and I have spent some time reflecting on this all-too-common scenario.

I think the root of the problem is the belief that we are entitled to our hearts' desires. Most Christians would agree, at least in an intellectual conversation, that no person should have all or even most of his or her wants fulfilled. But when it comes right down to it, we are in the habit of self-gratification. When we want a new "toy", we scrounge up the money to buy it. Even if it takes a while, we still expect to get it eventually. The culture of our nation boasts that anybody can achieve and attain anything with the right combination of ambition and hard work. The Preamble to our Constitution describes the "pursuit of happiness" as an inalienable right. "You deserve it, so do what it takes to get it," seems to be the status quo.

Back to the family I mentioned in the beginning...in the midst of this culture of desire/strive/attain, it is no wonder that when confronted with the potency of mutual attraction, many people barely attempt to deny themselves. Even in the church, we lack a healthy dose of "I'm sorry, but no matter how much you want it, this may never be yours." Whether it is the desire for a career, a child, a status, a house, or a relationship, we often view its pursuit as good and respectable. We fail to realize that, sometimes, giving a desire to the Lord and accepting its indefinite unfulfillment is the higher calling.

Since I have been meditating on this weakness in our culture and in my own life, I am convicted of the importance of practicing self-denial as a spiritual discipline. I think restarting an old habit of regular fasting is a good place to start. I also want to amp up my efforts to teach my boys to handle unfulfilled desires on a daily basis. (They give me plenty of opportunity for this since it seems like I listen to a steady stream of requests from dawn to dusk.) I pray that the Lord will teach us all that He is the only one who can truly fulfill the longings of our heart.

Sorry for the sermonette, but every once in a while I cook one up, and since I'm a woman in the Church of Christ, this is my only preaching venue :)

A Cross to Bear

On Sunday, our minister reminded us that the call to follow Christ is characterized by taking up a cross and walking alongside him. We all have "crosses," and when compared to each other, some seem much harder to bear than others. But to each individual, one's own cross is hard to bear. At this stage in my life, one of my crosses is lack of sleep: the fact that it is constantly interrupted and that I get an overall insufficient amount. Over the past week, I've gotten an average of about 5 hours of sleep each night (keep in mind that is the average). The average stretch of sleep I enjoy without getting out of bed to tend to the baby is about 75 minutes. I'm not looking for sleep solutions...I've heard most of it already and we are still convicted that we are doing the right thing for Ethan. I'm just sharing the sleep details so that you will understand that I have every reason to be exhausted, and the rest of what I'm going to share will be more meaningful.

I think that perhaps fatigue is similar in some ways to physical pain or depression in that it permeates everything in life. I have come to understand on a deeper level what it means to rely on God hour by hour. In bearing this cross, the ways that I lean on the Lord have become more simple and also very personal. Sometimes when Ethan is crying for me for the fifth or sixth time and I literally doubt whether or not I can crawl out of bed, I have pleaded with the Lord to lay his hand on Ethan's little body and soothe him to sleep for me. And He has done that, many times. And sometimes he just gives me the strength to get out of bed and do it myself. In the morning, I beseech him for patience and energy. I used to pray for enough patience and energy to face the day. Now I am praying for enough patience and energy to embrace the day. And He is SO FAITHFUL. I am awed that he can take my exhausted body and infuse me with energy and even excitement for the day. Sometimes I start to lose patience with Caleb, and I feel God's peace descending over me, curbing my anger. Sometimes He even blesses me with extra understanding for Caleb's two-year-old mind, so that I can better minister to his frustrations and needs, avoiding the desire to lose patience entirely.

I have been awed by the truth that God draws near in times of struggle, and he shows me how much I can trust him by giving me "more than I ask or imagine." I understand more and more why all sin is rooted in an attempt to be independent of God. Independence leaves us so insecure, because it all depends on us. While immersing ourselves in our need for God and relying on him literally each day for our daily bread, our daily strength and everything else that we need leaves us as secure as we can ever hope to be. Either He will give it to us, or He will teach us to do without it. Praise God for reminding me of these truths through my darling sleepless little boy!

Blessed

The past few weeks, I've been acutely aware of how blessed I am to have my two boys. When I think back to the years of infertility and all of the uncertainty that haunted me during that time, I am awed by how God has blessed me. Even though many things about having two young children are challenging, frustrating and exhausting, I am somehow staying above that mentally and remaining much more aware of how incredibly precious the boys are. Most days, I feel at peace and content for the majority of the day. That is something that I could not have said very often in my adult life. Even when Caleb was an infant, I was often ridden with anxiety about doing everything "right", and that robbed me of fully enjoying him. Now, as I'm sure all first-time mothers do, I've learned that there is no ordained formula that is "right", and everything about parenting is trial and error, so I'm a lot more relaxed this second time around. I was also very burdened by the barrage of advice when Caleb was a baby, and now it just slips right off me because I have a lot more confidence in my mothering skills. In many ways, it is more fun to care for two than for one. (The exception to this is when they both really need me or really want to be held and I have to choose.) But other than that, Caleb enjoys Ethan so much, and Ethan loves watching Caleb. I enjoy watching their relationship blossom and encouraging the love they will have for each other. Don't get me wrong, there are certainly times when I think I can not take another minute, but I am just awed by the many hours that go by where the three of us are in harmony and thoroughly enjoying being together. God has truly blessed our family in so many ways this year. We are thoroughly enjoying Marcus's much more relaxed schedule and have already gotten used to doing things as a family every weekend. We often joke about this being our first taste of "normal" life in the six years we've been married (work M-F from 8-5), and we are LOVING it!