The last video in the Beth Moore Esther study we are doing at church addresses facing our fears. The video started me thinking about what my greatest fear really is, and what I came up with kind of surprised me. My greatest fear, at least right now, is not that one of my children will get a serious illness, or that my husband will leave me, or that I will die a slow and painful death. I have feared all of these things before, but right now, what I fear most is this: I'm afraid that the best of my life is behind me. Marcus has been joking for the past few months that I'm going through my midlife crisis at 30 instead of 40. (And as much as I like to get things done early, I can't deny the possible validity of this scenario :) I have spent a lot of time lately questioning many things about my past and my future, as well as struggling with some doubts about my faith. And laced through all these musings has been this fear:
What if I am never again as at peace as I was ______? What if I never again feel as beautiful and loved as I did ______? What if I never face the day with as much energy, excitement and confidence as I did ______? What if I am never again as happy as I was ________?
Now, I realize cognitively that there are no answers to these questions, and that dwelling on them does absolutely no good, but I really am not dwelling on them...they just keep popping up their heads. Their persisence perturbs me at best and often outright enrages me. Most of my life, I have held the term "happiness" somewhat in contempt, preferring the more individually-controlled term "contentment". I've always seen happiness as a wet fish: impossible to hold on to and by its very nature, certain to slip away into oblivion. Because of this, I've lived most of my life not really thinking about whether I was happy or not. Thoughts about my own happiness always seemed a little too selfish, and therefore distasteful to me. I've also always believed that happiness has more to do with attitude than with circumstances, but lately I've been questioning the absoluteness of that belief as well. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of circumstances that even the most positive person would find permanently detrimental to his or her happiness.
I just can't shake this feeling that I'm on the verge of missing something. Missing a door I was supposed to walk through. Missing an opportunity I was supposed to grab hold of. Missing a chance to fulfill a dream that I didn't even realize was there.
If Dr. M is right, and this is my midlife crisis, then it will all pass soon enough and I will go back to putting the idea of happiness on the back shelf where I've always thought it belonged. I will go back to being content living in service to the people around me, and this unwelcome selfishness that has reared its head in my heart will go back to whereever it came from. Until then, sorry for the altered tone of my deep thoughts posts :)
1 comment:
Your honesty is very refreshing. Not many would admit to such feelings, and I think that's a shame, because it's often surprising how many people you'll find feel the same way. I'm in a "questioning" phase of life myself and I can relate to your thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
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