A Cross to Bear

On Sunday, our minister reminded us that the call to follow Christ is characterized by taking up a cross and walking alongside him. We all have "crosses," and when compared to each other, some seem much harder to bear than others. But to each individual, one's own cross is hard to bear. At this stage in my life, one of my crosses is lack of sleep: the fact that it is constantly interrupted and that I get an overall insufficient amount. Over the past week, I've gotten an average of about 5 hours of sleep each night (keep in mind that is the average). The average stretch of sleep I enjoy without getting out of bed to tend to the baby is about 75 minutes. I'm not looking for sleep solutions...I've heard most of it already and we are still convicted that we are doing the right thing for Ethan. I'm just sharing the sleep details so that you will understand that I have every reason to be exhausted, and the rest of what I'm going to share will be more meaningful.

I think that perhaps fatigue is similar in some ways to physical pain or depression in that it permeates everything in life. I have come to understand on a deeper level what it means to rely on God hour by hour. In bearing this cross, the ways that I lean on the Lord have become more simple and also very personal. Sometimes when Ethan is crying for me for the fifth or sixth time and I literally doubt whether or not I can crawl out of bed, I have pleaded with the Lord to lay his hand on Ethan's little body and soothe him to sleep for me. And He has done that, many times. And sometimes he just gives me the strength to get out of bed and do it myself. In the morning, I beseech him for patience and energy. I used to pray for enough patience and energy to face the day. Now I am praying for enough patience and energy to embrace the day. And He is SO FAITHFUL. I am awed that he can take my exhausted body and infuse me with energy and even excitement for the day. Sometimes I start to lose patience with Caleb, and I feel God's peace descending over me, curbing my anger. Sometimes He even blesses me with extra understanding for Caleb's two-year-old mind, so that I can better minister to his frustrations and needs, avoiding the desire to lose patience entirely.

I have been awed by the truth that God draws near in times of struggle, and he shows me how much I can trust him by giving me "more than I ask or imagine." I understand more and more why all sin is rooted in an attempt to be independent of God. Independence leaves us so insecure, because it all depends on us. While immersing ourselves in our need for God and relying on him literally each day for our daily bread, our daily strength and everything else that we need leaves us as secure as we can ever hope to be. Either He will give it to us, or He will teach us to do without it. Praise God for reminding me of these truths through my darling sleepless little boy!