The Fear

Ever since I weaned Ethan a little over a year ago, I have endured the monthly "fear" of an unplanned pregnancy. Since it was quite difficult for us to get pregnant the first time, I am a little ashamed to admit that I am afraid of a third pregnancy, but it is the truth. There are a lot of reasons. Among them are: dreading the four months of morning [all day] sickness, wondering if I have the patience for three when my patience for two often runs thin, truly loving our lifestyle as it is and not wanting to make the major changes that having an infant demands, and just being generally reluctant to re-enter the world of diapers and breastfeeding. I did not dislike the baby stage when I was in it, but I like this preschool stage so much better that I am just reluctant to go back.

Since I have felt this way for the past year, Marcus has grown increasingly concerned that the further I get from the baby stage, the less likely I will want to re-enter it. I hope, mostly for his sake, that I will want another baby eventually, but for now, I will continue on this monthly roller coaster that hinges on my monthly negative result :)

The irony of the way I feel is that, five years ago, I was taking tests month after month, hoping upon hope for a positive result. And the relief I feel each month right now was deep disappointment in that other life stage. How God must chuckle at our fickle hearts, yearning so much in one direction or another, foolishly believing that we know best. Many days, I wonder why it is so hard for me to let go and trust him. Then other times, when powerful emotions roil within me or intellectual doubt accosts me, I am amazed that I ever succeed even for a few hours to surrender my heart to Him. Regardless, I remain steadfast in my belief that it is our journey in life that is of most importance; not one particular moment, day, or even season, but the sum of these snapshots that make up our lives.