I don't think that there is anything in the world that gets my ire up more quickly than seeing my child treated badly. We were at the science center this morning, and Caleb (age 3 1/2) was eagerly trying to join with two older boys (brothers, ages 4 and 5) in building a wooden block city. There were plenty of blocks, and he was not moving anything they had placed, just adding pieces of his own. They told him flat out that he couldn't build with them. He responded politely with, "Please, can I build with you?" They told him that he was too little to play and to go away. I saw the light go out of his eyes, and he walked over to where I was with his head down. He told me what happened (he didn't realize I'd been watching), and then he said, "That hurts my feelings." I hugged him and told him that he could go back and build, even if they didn't want him to, or he could go do something else.
He opted to go back and try again. He continued building with the blocks, this time not adding to the other boys' structure but building his own thing. Two different times, one of the other boys took a block out of Caleb's hand, rather than one of the many on the floor. When that didn't deter him, the younger boy said, "I'm four. You're only two, so you can't build with these blocks or play with us." Caleb said, "I'm not two! I'm four!" I was now sitting much closer in order to monitor the situation, and I quietly corrected Caleb, saying, "You're three, sweetheart." The other boys laughed at him and said something about him being stupid because he didn't even know how old he was. At that point, their mother came up and said, "Hey, you guys! Are you guys having fun? Are you sharing? You're doing a great job building! I'm so proud of you! Okay, I'm going to go back over there, you keep having fun!"
It was all I could do not to speak to her about the situation, but as I was watching her talk, I was able to calm myself down and remember that children do not become bullies by accident. They become bullies because no one cares enough about them to watch them, be aware of them and teach them. It was obvious to me that her even coming over to speak to them was purely out of duty and not interest in their play. She didn't pause to allow the boys to answer any of her strung-together questions or respond to her comments, and she didn't even make eye contact with them while she was talking.
The boys left a few minutes later, and in retrospect I'm glad that I didn't say anything. Yes, Caleb's feelings were hurt. Yes, those boys were behaving badly. But I'm afraid if I had spoken to either the kids or their mom, I would have been speaking out of anger and hurt rather than concern for them, and of that I would have been ashamed. And, all-in-all, I'm proud of the way Caleb handled the situation. He used words to express his feelings, he did not lash out or imitate their rudeness, and nor did he react fearfully and give up on the blocks. I would have been fine with it if he had, but I was kind of proud of him for plugging on, despite the obvious deterrent. And I was proud of myself for stifling those mother-bear instincts and resisting the urge to swoop in and "make" those boys be kind. I will not always be there, and as we get closer and closer to school age, I want him to have more and more opportunities to handle difficult situations on his own.
3 comments:
Oh, I wish I could control the monster in me as well as you. That is when my passive-aggressive comes out and I say something loudly like "not everyone want to share like a nice person would and some people say things that are mean" or I might have asked one of the boys "what is your birthday and where were you born?" Then assuming they did not know one or both I would say "See, I don't think that makes you stupid, it just means you forgot."
You express so well one of the biggest struggles I have as a parent. When is it a good idea to step in and when do I teach Anna to just back down? Today an older child grabbed a lion flashlight right out of Anna's hands at a playdate. Her mother didn't see but I know her well enough that I stepped in and told the older girl she needed to give it back and I told Anna she needed to share and give the other girl a turn. Instead, Anna said, "Ok!" and went and got her a hippo flashlight. She said, "Here go! Anna play lion." I was so proud of her. Other times, I just have to let her get bullied and it's not easy.
I think your observations about bullies are insightful. I read a lot about bullies when I was teaching. Turns out they don't have low self esteem nor have they necessarily been victims of bullying in past. A parent's job is so tough! It's a good thing we're not in this alone.
Girl, I totally say things to kids...esp. when they don't share or are just plain being mean. I think I have come across waaaay too many parents who will just say, "oh, they are just being __ (boys, kids,...)" to be mean, but after seeing my boy get bitten, beaten up, & having his feelings crushed (he's SO not the aggressive type), I just started stepping in. One time a kid shared ONE piece of train (track, not even car) with L. (2 boys had the rest). I told L. in front of the boy "some people chose to be mean or not share," let's go do something else. The kid said about the same stuff to L. as was said to C., but I couldn't contain myself! Ah! Mama bears we are!
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