I'm so tired...

It's probably unwise to write a post in my current sleep-deprived state, particularly since I'm in the midst of two of the most difficult parenting days I've experienced to date, but here goes:

For the past couple of weeks, Ethan has decided that sleep is for the birds. He has been waking up 10+ times each night. I kept a sleep log last night because a sleep book suggested it, and here are the results:

In bed for the night: 7:00 pm
Up for the day: 6:00 am
Total number of awakenings: 11
Longest sleep span: 1 hr, 30 min
Total hours of sleep: 8½ hrs
Total hours of awake/soothing to sleep time: 2½ hours

Now Ethan has always woken up 3-5 times each night, since the very first night in the hospital, and that really wasn't a problem for me. Since we have been co-sleeping since he was born, 3-5 awakenings where I didn't have to get out of bed or even fully wake up has been quite manageable. Many days I didn't even feel tired. But this 10+ times a night is wearing me out. After about a week of these crazy nights, I moved Ethan out of our bed into the Pack-N-Play in our room, just in case the proximity to me was the problem. The situation has not improved, and I am even more tired because I have to get up to tend to him rather than just nurse him. I have also tried for the past 4 days to refrain entirely from nursing him to sleep during the day and as much as possible at night, in an effort to break his strong sucking-to-sleep association. So far, no luck there either, but I may need to give that more time. Marcus and I both have strong feelings against letting him cry himself to sleep, so that is not an option. With Caleb, I used a book called The No Cry Sleep Solution, and the strategies explained there were very helpful for getting Caleb to reduce his 3-4 night awakenings to just 1...but Caleb never got up 10 times a night! I started using the strategies that worked for Caleb with Ethan 2 days ago, but it is so much harder this time because I don't have unlimited time with Ethan. Before I started using the book techniques with Ethan, I would put Caleb in front of the TV, nurse Ethan down in 10 minutes, and come back to play with Caleb. These techniques that help teach babies to self-soothe (without crying for long periods of time) require longer periods of time. To wrap up this long explanation, I've felt completely pulled between the needs/wants of both boys for the past 2 days, with the full knowledge that I'm doing a lousy job on both ends. I'm not being consistent with Ethan's sleep, and Caleb is feeling neglected far more than I feel comfortable with. Throw into that mix that Caleb has a cold AND we are in the midst of potty training, and I think you'll have a very good picture of why things seem so difficult right now.

I was laying in bed nursing Ethan a couple of hours ago, and I was trying to nail down in my mind what exactly makes mothering little ones so much harder than any "job" I've ever done, and I think this is it: I care SO MUCH about doing it well. Don't misunderstand me, I have enjoyed doing my very best at every job I've ever had, from making sandwiches at Subway to teaching low-achieving 9th graders. But in other jobs, a day in which I performed at a sub-par level left me mildly grouchy. Now it leaves me lying in bed late at night wondering if Caleb is going to be in counseling for the rest of his life because I snapped at him. The caring so much really gets you when you have more than one child. When it was just Caleb, I rarely felt like I had failed to give him my best. (Of course, he slept 13-14 hours every 24 hours (including his nap), leaving me 6-7 hours to do housework, read, scrapbook, spend time with Marcus, etc. to refuel myself, in addition to getting a good night's sleep. Of course I had loads of energy and motivation when he was awake!) Now for 2½ days, I've felt like a failure as a mother, and I'm not sure how many more days my I-measure-how-much-I-love-myself-by-how-well-I-perform personality can take. I'm only partially joking. I just need to hang on to the knowledge that God (and Marcus) are not nearly as hard on me as I am on myself, and also that kids are extremely resilient. I also need to remember that there isn't a magic amount of "investment" in my kids that can guarantee their safety, their happiness, or even their faith in God. It really is out of my control. Well, thanks for being my sounding board...I think I've written myself out of my slump, at least for the moment :)