Seven Years Later...

Seven years ago today, Marcus and I were standing in the auditorium of the Downtown Church in Searcy, Arkansas, speaking our vows to each other. These past seven years have had their ups and downs, but I can honestly say that this has been the best year we've ever had. We understand each other more, enjoy each other more and work better together than ever before. A bit of that is due to a book study we've been doing with our church small group using a book entitled Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs. While the book has its logistical and stylistic weaknesses, it has been effective in highlighting some principles that are overlooked in other marriage books. One of these principles is that a man needs to feel respected by his wife even more than he needs to feel loved. So I've decided to spend my anniversary "eve" writing out ten reasons that I respect my husband.

1. I respect his patience, both with me and the boys. Many things that frustrate me do not frustrate him. I try very hard to fulfill all of the expectations that I think he has, but when I fall short, he is not critical or angry with me. Some nights dinner isn't even started when he gets home from work, and he just cheerfully plays with the boys while I get to work on it. When I am grouchy or discouraged, he is patient, waiting without judgment for me to get on top of my emotions.

2. I respect his "worldly wisdom," for lack of a better term. I tend to believe everyone and trust that other people are basically good-hearted. He is more reserved and skeptical with his trust, and that enables him to protect and guide us wisely. At the same time, he is insulating the kids and me from the uglier things in the world. I'm glad that he has a wider breadth of knowledge about what people are capable of when he is making decisions, and I'm also glad that he allows me to maintain my more trusting perspective.

3. I respect his willingness to self-analyze and hear truth. Marcus is not one of those people who refuses to take a hard look at his own flaws. When someone speaks to him or something happens to highlight an area of weakness, he spends time reflecting on it and making efforts to change. He is not easily offended; in fact he tells me often that he appreciates me speaking up when I see something in him that needs to change.

4. I respect Marcus because he is passionate about our Lord. Nothing gets him animated like dreaming up a new ministry idea or discussing a spiritual matter. He is my "Ecclesiastes Man", because his emotions are right in line with Solomon. Very few things "under the sun" excite him: not money, power, new things, etc. He can take or leave that stuff, because his treasures are in heaven. Long before I really felt this way, Marcus reminded me that death is a victory, not a tragedy, because death is how God releases his children from the burdens of the world.

5. I respect Marcus for prioritizing our relationship. Sometimes, he will put a relationship issue that we've recently discussed onto his little daily chart that is taped up in the bathroom. It might say "Pray with Rachel" or "Don't use sarcasm or mockery"with a row of little boxes beside it to check off each day. He always has a bunch of other things on the chart, too, like studying, working out, reading his Bible, etc. but I love it that improving our relationship makes the chart. In addition, he is willing to read relationship books on occasion (at my request, of course) and he is willing to talk about our relationship at length, regularly striving to understand my perspective.

6. I respect Marcus for his willingness to be vulnerable. He shares his heart with me on a regular basis, both positive and negative things. I rarely feel like I am bumping up against a brick wall when trying to find out what is bothering him. He may not realize at first why he is on edge, but when I bring it to his attention, he's willing to think about it until he figures it out. Also in the area of vulnerability, I respect his willingness to put himself out there and make friends. I think this gets tougher with each move, but he has not diminished his efforts. We see the Lord's blessing on him for this here in Birmingham as he is making some of the best friends he has had since college at Harding.

7. I think this often gets overlooked, but I want to make sure and express how much I respect Marcus's sense of responsibility. He has plugged through this long medical track without faltering. Some guys have breakdowns under the pressure of becoming a doctor, and others just throw in the towel and quit. I am so grateful that I NEVER have to wonder if Marcus is going to get up and go to work today. I never have to be concerned that he is going to blow his top with his boss and get fired. And I he has such a well-developed internal stress-temperature gauge, that I never worry that he is going to completely burn out and shut down.

8. I respect Marcus because he is an amazing father. I've said this on here before, but it never ceases to impress me so I'll say it again: when he is with the boys, he is 100% present. His mind, body and heart are all engaged in their play, and it is so beautiful for me to watch. (My father didn't really play with us when we were little, so seeing Marcus enter into their world is absolutely wonderful to me.) He is also a committed disciplinarian. He doesn't discipline instinctively like I do, but he tries hard to be consistent, and he certainly sees the importance of teaching the kids good behavior 24/7. He is great about taking advantage of the teachable moments to help the boys' see other people's perspectives. We talk frequently about how we are trying to direct our kids's characters, and what adjustments we need to make based on what we are seeing in them at the time.

9. I respect Marcus because he is considerate. Even though he accepts the responsibility as the final decision-maker in areas that we don't see eye-to-eye, he ALWAYS listens to my input, and is usually willing to talk about it for several days and weeks before he "makes the call." He never makes decisions that effect the family without getting my input first. He sees everything from taking on an extra responsibility at work to choosing his medical specialty as decisions that we make together. I really, really appreciate how he considerately solicits my perspective.

10. I respect Marcus for his integrity. This is one of the reasons I first fell in love with him: Marcus is an honorable man. Once he believes something is the right thing to do, he will do it, regardless of the cost. He is honest almost to a fault. He will tell me the truth even its ugly. There have been times in the past that I have asked him direct questions, and he knew that the answers were really going to upset me, and he still answered honestly. His honesty has consistently gotten him in trouble with those closest to him, because he hasn't always had the most tact, but I'd rather tend toward tactless truth than a lifetime of people-pleasing lies.

Marcus is quite a man, and I am humbled by how much he loves me. He is so gifted, knowledgeable and Godly. I thank God today for bringing us together, sustaining us through the storms, refining us in our weaknesses, and blessing us so abundantly through each other.

Stepping Heavenward

I love to read. That might be the understatement of the century. Before I had kids, I would read for hours on end whenever I had the chance. It was not unusual for me to read 3-4 books in a week. I still read 2-3 every month, but it is much harder to carve out the time. In the course of a lifetime of imbibing many, many books, I have found hundreds that I love. But there have only been a handful that have had a significant impact on my life. In fact, the two works of fiction that have had the greatest influence on who I am are The Shack, by William Young, and Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss. Most people have read or at least heard of The Shack, so I'm not going to elaborate on that one, but Stepping Heavenward is much more obscure. A friend recommended it to me, and I actually had a hard time finding a copy, even on Amazon (though it is there now). The book is written in the form of a diary. It is set in the early 1800's, and the narrator begins her story as a 16-year-old girl who is struggling to be the person that God (and her mother) want her to be. The book continues through her life, and the reader is allowed to see the gradual spiritual maturing of this girl-turning-woman.

Now, I admit that this book will likely not speak to as many people as The Shack did, but it spoke to me with unprecedented power. For me, this book infused a divine purpose into every trial and difficulty that I have faced, whether physical pain, relational frustration or more severe trials. It also brought divine purpose to every menial task and small sacrifice. I watched Katy's attitude toward serving and sacrifice change, and my own changed with it. Katy's mother teaches her that service and sacrifice is in itself an end, not just a means to the end of "sharing Christ." The service and sacrifice IS sharing Christ.

Katy's journey also, in combination with several studies from the book of Job and some long conversations with my Dad, gently brought me to the place of realizing that my children belong wholy and completely to the Lord. This book helped me move to a previously incomprehensible place in my heart...a place where I now truly believe in regard to the ones I love, "The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord." I have never lost someone close to me, and I am not saying that I would handle it without becoming angry with the Lord. But in the past, there was a portion of my heart that I kept entirely locked away from the Lord. It was as if I had unconsciously put my dearest ones in a lockbox and put a sign on it saying, "If you touch this, I will no longer love you and trust you." But the Lord worked in my heart through this book and other avenues to stamp this truth on my heart: "Trust me with what is dearest to you, my child, and I will sustain you through whatever may come."

I really could write for hours about the spiritual truths the Lord used this book to teach me, but I think I'm going to stop here. I don't know if I would have taken as much from Katy's story at an earlier stage in my life. I think I would have needed more life experience, particularly that of motherhood. If you are a woman, I think that you will be, at the very least, touched by Katy's story. And, who knows, maybe God will use her story to change yours, as well.

I Love Fall!

As I have written before, fall is hands-down, no-competition, my favorite season. This week the weather has been cooler in the mornings and evenings and I am getting so excited! I love that it is cooling down earlier this year and I'm hoping it means an extra-long fall :)

The boys and I took advantage of the cooler mornings yesterday and we went to the zoo for the first time since it got hot a couple of months ago. We spent 3 hours there and saw every single exhibit, even the petting farm (usually we skip some areas because it is so big). I love how inquisitive Caleb has grown about the animals. I was able to teach him all kinds of basic facts like how to differientiate between turtles and tortoises, monkeys and apes, and lions and lionesses. He can also correctly identify which animals lay eggs and which ones have babies grow inside them. His method for this is not foolproof, but it works for now: if the animal has fur or hair, it grows inside its mother, and if it does not have fur or hair, it hatches out of an egg.

Just like at the beginning of last fall, the animals were very frisky yesterday. The lions and tigers were pacing, the zebras were romping around a bit, and the monkeys were playing. Even the diamond back rattler was slithering all over its cage. I've almost never seen those giant snakes move, so that was a treat. We also met a homeschooling mother of six while we were sitting in the "Outback" kangaroo habitat. Her kids, ranging in age from 3 to 17, were very polite, happy, obedient and helpful...I was very impressed. Everytime I meet a family like that, I am determined to homeschool! But even while I'm getting excited about it, I remind myself that what works so well for many families may or may not work for mine, so we will continue to wait and watch before we make our decision.

Well, we had a very enjoyable morning at the zoo, and we're looking forward to many more such mornings this fall!

The Grumps

The last couple of days, I have had trouble shaking the grumps. I know why I feel this way, but that's not making it any easier to overcome. Like a typical extrovert, I get my emotional energy by spending time with people. I love to spend long hours in the company of my husband or a friend. Participating in unhurried, adult conversation is how I work out whatever is on my mind as well as how I am challenged and inspired. A short phone conversation is helpful, but it doesn't really energize me like a face-to-face conversation. When I don't get this energizing time, I am shorter with the kids, I eat lots of junk food, and I just can't seem to shake a "down" feeling.

At the moment, my energy reserves are depleted. Marcus was at a men's retreat at church this past Friday and Saturday, so it was just me and the kids as usual this weekend. Then on Sunday, I taught Sunday school in the morning, Marcus and the boys took a long nap Sunday afternoon while I grocery-shopped, and then we went to small group where it was my turn to watch all the kids. So I didn't really talk to anyone all day Sunday either. Monday morning, which I usually begin full of energy from a weekend of companionship, started with me already feeling discouraged. But I had errands to run, so I just trudged through the day, not yet realizing why I was having a hard time adjusting my attitude. Yesterday, the friend I often get together with on Tuesdays had a doctor's appt, and then my normal Wednesday playdate canceled because of a sick child. Marcus gets home around 6:30/7:00 early in the week, but the evening hours are so wrapped up with the kids that it is impossible to have a real conversation. And by the time Caleb finally conks out around 9:30, we are both beat. So I am on day six without any unhurried adult conversation, and I may just have to go to the library tomorrow and make friends with the librarian :) (Or else Marcus will call someone to come hang out with me so he won't have to come home to Mrs. Down-in-the-Dumps any more this week :)

Yet even while I am fighting this discouraged feeling, I am grateful to the Lord for reminding me how weak I am and how dependent on His provision. And I am also grateful for the inherent reminder that it is really Him using my beloved friends to minister to me, so my gratitude belongs entirely to him. Whether emotional or physical, he is the fulfiller of my needs, and it is to Him I am looking now for the energy to be a great Mommy to my boys today.

Whew...That's a Relief

One of the things that I've felt a little guilty about for the past year-and-a-half is that I did not get Caleb's speech evaluated around the time that he turned two. Although his receptive language was excellent, at 18-months he only had 12-25 words (depending on whether or not you count animal sounds). His language continued to lag behind until he was about 2 1/2, when he seemed to catch up, but it was hard for me to tell for sure. One reason is that he was our only child and it was hard for me to evaluate with nothing to compare to, and the other reason is that he is just not a talkative kid. Even now, he is not a talkative kid. He talks when he has a story he wants to tell or he thinks something is funny or he wants to do something, but he isn't a chatterbox like many 3-year-olds.

Anyway, a couple of people in our lives expressed concern over his speech delay, but because Ethan was born right when Caleb turned two and then we moved to Alabama two months later, I never got around to having him evaluated. Then we got here and it took so many months just to figure out how the health insurance and the school systems worked. But when Ethan's verbal skills began exploding, I realized how limited Caleb's had been, and I started to worry that I'd missed the speech therapy boat. So I finally jumped through all the hoops and had him evaluated by a speech therapist. The session was yesterday afternoon and it lasted for about 45 minutes. When it was over, I was very relieved to be told that the speech therapist had absolutely no concerns. She said that he is correctly articulating all of the 3-year-old sounds and almost all of the 4-year-old sounds, and doing very well with his later-developing blends, as well.

So he does not qualify for speech therapy services, for which I am very grateful. I'm glad I don't have to take him to weekly appointments, but I'm even more glad that my chaos-induced procrastination did not cost him anything developmentally. I think that he talked late for some of the same reasons that he talks less than other kids now: he's just more of an observer and a thinker, and he was not motivated to verbalize as early as other kids, much like some kids aren't motivated to move until they're over a year old. (By the way, I hope I get one of those later-moving kids next time...I'm tired of babyproofing for 6-month-old crawlers!)